So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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