That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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