My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The air taste purple.
Randomize
