$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
