Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
