I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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