The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm passing your future prison.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
