I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize