Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize