I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
be right there i have to get my cape
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
