my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize