Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
