what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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