Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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