Dude my mom stole all your condoms
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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