I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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