my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
