I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize