I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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