do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I need a beard to bite.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
