DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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