You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
