and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Success! We fucked roommates!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
