You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
