Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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