Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
