The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Sober January is a disaster.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I will be naked everywhere
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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