So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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