My friends, they love my intelligence
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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