if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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