It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize