you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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