i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Let's get the cat blown out
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
