Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
