I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
