oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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