i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
