Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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