Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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