Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
