I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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