Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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