She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have feelings that need drinking.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
