buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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