Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Non-Jews are for practice
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize