I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Randomize
