Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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