I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
