He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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