Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
