I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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