Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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