We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
