I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think people are normalizing furries
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
