i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
