I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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