Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
