i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
