If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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